


reviving the people they were

by shes_cured



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Identity Reveal, SuperCorp, this might be the angstiest fic ive ever posted
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 09:58:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13544982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shes_cured/pseuds/shes_cured
Summary: When Kara’s secret was finally revealed to Lena, there was no other explanation of it being kept from her (and only her) other than the the fact that her last name was Luthor. The revelation of Supergirl had drastically torn them apart. With that, it had left them both heartbroken and eventually led to the disappearance of Supergirl from National City.Eight years later, with the return of her mother, Lena’s immediate reaction was turning to Kara for help. Even after all that time, even after all the betrayal on both their ends, she trusted no one more than she trusted Kara.//“She had realized a long time ago that a part of her would always be a little in love with Kara Danvers. That was why she refused to make the mistake of falling in love twice.”





	reviving the people they were

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I keep posting new stuff, but hey, it happens. 
> 
> This is basically nothing but angst, so I hope you’re into that sort of thing.

She didn't want to be walking up those stairs. She didn't want to be knocking on that door. She didn't want to wait for Kara Danvers to open it. She certainly didn't want to see a glasses-less, hair down, version of Kara answering it.

Yet there she was.

When Kara opened the door they both froze in place. Lena’s breathing was heavy and every swallow she took felt like she might choke on her own saliva as her airways narrowed and heart raced. There she was. Kara Danvers. _Supergirl_. Her ex… something. Not quite an ex-friend, but not an ex-girlfriend either. She was something, though, the pain coursing through her reminded her of that very well.

Coming here, coming to see her, was the hardest thing Lena had ever had to do. Redeeming herself after her family ruined the Luthor name was hard, but it was _nothing_ compared to facing Kara again. She would rather rebuild L-Corp a hundred times over than see the girl who made her feel that way. This way.

She'd been sitting at L-Corp the past twenty-two hours trying to decide if she even had it in her to return to the days of turning to Kara Danvers for advice. For comfort, even. She certainly didn't want to, but at the end of the day, she didn't have many other choices.

No one knew her mother the way Kara did. No one knew her the way Kara did. And honestly, no one would believe her story the way Kara would. No one would believe her loyalty… Kara, though... She would.

Lena could see Sam and Alex behind the doorway and almost wanted to bolt away right then and there, but she couldn't. She was stuck, petrified and mesmerized by her.

Welcome back to National City, Lena.

In actuality, she had never left the city, but leaving Kara sure did make it feel like she had.

“Sam is – uh,” Kara turned around to look towards her sister and sister-in-law. “Yeah, she’s–”

Suddenly, Lena remembered how to speak. “I'm actually here for you.”

Alex and Sam looked to one another on the couch and Lena distantly heard Sam’s shrug and, “I had no idea,” but she didn't address it. She didn't know Sam would be here and knew she'd have a lot of questions from the one distant friend she still had tomorrow morning, but Sam couldn't help with this.

“Me?” her voice was hesitant.

Lena said nothing. She could barely manage nodding.

“Oh,” she once again looked back, but this time for reassurance. “Uh – right. Yeah – right – okay.”

Things were forced. They were awkward. They weren't Kara and Lena anymore.

“Me and Sam should be going anyway,” Alex excused them. “I'll see you tomorrow? Brunch?”

“Brunch,” Kara did a sort of smile.

When they left her shock came back. She stepped aside to let Lena in, but Lena couldn't move. That apartment, that same, stupid, rinky dink apartment, the place Lena had practically lived eight years ago, was too much for her to handle walking in to.

But this was a private conversation. So, after a long while of contemplation and one of the deepest breaths she had ever taken, she stepped in. The door shut quietly, but the click was deafening. Everything was deafening. The wind outside, the low hum of the TV, the way Kara still breathed the same way she used to. If scents could be deafening, Kara’s distinct smell of strawberries was deafening too.

“Sorry to drop by unannounced,” she spoke the understatement of the century.

Unannounced. Uninvited. Unwanted.

“I need to talk to you.”

And suddenly that demeanor of Supergirl, the hero that had left National City seven years ago, was right in front of her. Not the stance – her stance was undoubtedly Kara – but the brave voice in the forefront.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Lena waved the question away. Then she looked around. She was _here_. “No. No, not really.”

Kara's breath hitching didn't go unnoticed. Instead of asking a follow up, she waited Lena out.

“My mother came by to see me last night.” When Kara was too stunned to reply, Lena went further. “To recruit me.”

“Recruit you…” she trailed off. “Your mother is supposed to be in Russia. She's been evading arrest there for nearly a decade.”

“I know,” she nodded. “That was my reaction too. But she's here. She came by my apartment.”

Kara nearly choked, her eyes going wide and a hint of the awkwardness fading as her demeanor went back to being Kara. To caring. To worrying. “Your _apartment_?”

Lena took an airy breath and tried not to look terrified. “Yeah. Mother dearest appears to be back. She's planning something.”

The reaction she was getting from Kara was already comforting. They might not be cuddling on a couch while Kara proclaimed how good she was for the billionth time, but Kara's panic _for_ her rather than _about_ her was all she needed.

“She – are you okay?” she asked, that same amount of protectiveness that was in her voice before everything happened, still there and shining through. “She didn't hurt you, did she?”

“No! No, I promise, I'm physically fine,” she rushed out. “But I came to warn you that CADMUS is back too. And it's not a small organization this time. It's… it's looking pretty bad.”

Kara pursed her lips, picking up her glasses off the side table and putting them on, then fidgeting with them. “You're _sure_ you're okay?”

“Did you not hear me?” she asked incredulously. “Kara – they’re about to come back. It doesn't matter if _I'm_ okay. They – you need to stop them before they kill you and every other alien. _That's_ what we should be focusing on.”

“Well, I'm not,” Kara crossed her arms.

Her eyes were delving into Lena's in a way that made her heart start pounding evening louder. She wasn't aware that was possible. Kara's brave voice was upheld, still unwavering, but the blue eyes snowed her anxieties. Anxieties that weren't related to her mother, but to Lena.

“I asked if you were okay.”

She wanted to run away from that gaze. She felt exposed and naked and vulnerable. But she still hated seeing her worried – especially about her. She didn't need to be. Lena was fine on her own. She was. She was fine.

She gave a small smile, nodding her head. “I'm okay, Kara. I just want this fixed as soon as possible.”

She could tell Kara was trying to figure out if she believed her or not, but Lena didn't budge. She needed a minimal amount of comfort and she had gotten it. Anything more would hurt.

“Okay,” she finally gave in. “Well, what do you need from me?”

“I told you. I need you to stop them.”

She said nothing. She gave two painfully slow blinks. “Me?”

Lena turned her focus to look behind Kara's shoulders, because she had to gain courage to outwardly say what she wanted, and looking at Kara made her feel scared and timid and small.

“You know what I'm asking.”

“I'm going to need you to clarify, because I don't think I can do what I think you're asking,” she tossed the challenge back.

Lena was pleading. “Please. You're the only one I trust.”

“That's not what you were saying eight years ago.”

The bitter comment was ice cold. It was quiet and low, yet echoed through the room as silence settled in to follow it.

Their stare was broken as Lena looked away with hurt and Kara with guilt.

“I'm sorry, that was unfair.”

She had a lot she could say to that. Because it was. It was completely unfair. But she didn't come here to hash out the past. This wasn't rekindling a cherished _thing_ from the past. This was Lena turning to the only person she knew would be there always.

“I need your help,” Lena repeated, still calm, but now slightly cool. “I'd want Supergirl if you were willing, but it's fine – I would never want you to do something you don’t want to do. But I need you to convince the DEO to trust me.”

Kara's eyes narrowed as her look became apprehensive and the temporarily lost nervousness returned. “Why wouldn't they?”

“Because of my plan. The plan that revolves around them trusting me,” Lena bit her lip, trying to gauge out Kara's reaction. “I agreed to help her. Whatever she says, whatever she asks, I'm doing it. I'm not a terrorist, but I’m determined to find out what they're up to. And I’m determined to stop it. The DEO trusting me as a spy and not a participant is essential, though. That's where you come in.”

She had never seen Kara look so opposed to anything. She was quickly standing with more confidence and her voice filled with conviction. “That’s a _terrible_ plan. No way. I'm not helping you with that. Lena, you can't do that.”

She didn't expect hearing Kara saying her name being so painful. She couldn't have imagined it. She wasn't even aware she was still able to hurt that much. Most days she was numb. She liked it better that way.

“Give me one good reason why I can't.”

“Because your mother is going to frame you!” she exclaimed. “You're going to get arrested. You're going to look like the bad guy – to everyone. There's no redeeming yourself from that.”

“And that's why I need you to get the DEO to trust me,” she completely agreed. “I'm going to help them, and I'm ending my mother. I need to do this. If it means the public hating me… it’ll take what it takes.”

Kara took a deep breath, taking her glasses back off and pinching the bridge of her nose. “You've put yourself in danger plenty of times, but this is by far the dumbest yet.”

Lena held her head high, her eyebrows raised and a perfected smirk gracing her lips. The words were wry and bitter. “I'm a Luthor.”

“You're not.”

“And that's the confidence I need you to convince the DEO with,” she shot out.

Kara let out a deep sigh, shaking her head. “I haven't even stepped foot in the DEO since I quit Supergirl.”

“You have a pretty strong connection, though,” Lena didn't allow the argument to deter her. “Alex will listen to you. If I tell her I want to be a spy she's going to be skeptical, because Lillian is still my mother. People don't get our relationship. And Sam would just tell me I'm being stupid if I turned to her.”

“ _I’m_ skeptical, because this _is_ you being stupid!” she lost her easy demeanor. “Lena–”

“I already agreed to go meet the people she's recruited.”

Kara stared with exasperation, trying to find a way out, then she threw her head back with a groan she hadn't seen coming. She watched as Kara began pacing back and forth, looking down and trying to figure something out while she moved her hands in small gestures to assist her. Finally, she halted and shook her head.

“This mission is suicidal.”

“It's my mother,” Lena waved it away. “What kind of mother would kill her own daughter?”

Kara's fists trembled, shaking at her sides as a finger whipped up to point directly at her. “Don't make this sound rational, because _your_ mother would. She's tried to, how many times, now?”

Lena let out a dry laugh, pursing her lips. “You're full of low blows today, I see.”

“That one wasn't unfair,” Kara fought. “That was completely warranted. I'm not letting you get killed.”

“I'm extracting information from them with or without the DEO’s help, so if you want to protect me as much as you seem to right now, you'll have my back.”

Kara's jaw clenched as a sneer passed through. “I always have had your back. My end never changed. That was yours.”

“I left for a valid reason,” Lena moved forward with venom. Then, she stood up straighter and breathed her previous calmness back in. Her voice was well collected again. “If you want to prove you weren't dishonest due to me being a Luthor, prove it.”

Kara crossed her arms at the test, speaking through that same tight jaw. Lena could physically feel the anger reverberating through the room. “That is _not_ fair.”

“I know,” she agreed unapologetically. “But with or without you, this is happening. Still… I would appreciate your help.”

She wished more than anything that someone else could've been able to help, but no one believed in her as much as Kara Danvers did. Eight years to calm down had allowed her to rationally see that.

“I'm helping, but I'm helping you because I care,” Kara made a point to emphasize. “I'm not doing this to prove my belief in you. I believe in you now and I always have. But if you're going to be stupid, you'll at least need back up to save you when it backfires.”

Lena cast her gaze downwards, unable to hide the smile of both victory and flattery. She admitted the truth. “I know you care. And I know you believe in me. That's why I came to you.”

There was an eery quiet. Neither of them knew what to say. Was there anything to say?

Apparently Kara decided her was. Her whisper pierced the room.

“I loved you more than you could’ve imagined, you know?”

Lena nodded and willed the tears not to fall as her heart crumbled all over again. Because, “Yeah. That's probably true.”

/////

_Betrayed._

_If she was only allowed one word to describe how she felt, it would be betrayed._

_If she got two, it would be betrayed and heartbroken._

_Or maybe her one word was broken._

_She didn't know, because she couldn't think straight._

_She sat in the overly large L-Corp office, sorting through paperwork and avoiding CatCo with everything she had. All that was there was Kara was reminders of Kara, and if she was further reminded of Kara she'd break down._

_Hell, sitting alone in her office she was on the verge of breaking down. Half of her wanted to cry and half of her wanted to laugh at how fucking stupid she was. She was so far in love that her head was up her ass and she had lost every Luthor quality that she actually liked. For example, her ability to do simple math._

_Two plus two equals four._

_Kara Danvers minus glasses equals Supergirl._

_It was basic math. She was engineer, a CEO, a prodigy. How could she have stopped being able to solve basic math in the meantime?_

_It was such a casual comment, too. It wasn't even Kara who told her. It was Winn absentmindedly cheering on a newscast with a, “C’mon, Kara, you got this!” under his breath, as they showed live coverage of Supergirl in the midst of a fight. He didn't even realize his slip up until Lena repeated it._

_She looked from the newscast, back to Winn, raging as she spoke what wasn't a question. It made too much sense to be a question._

_“Kara.”_

_His eyes widened, but there was no fixing the slip up. Her name came out. Lena had heard it loud and clear. More than that, Lena had understood it._

_“Supergirl is Kara,” she murmured more to herself than to Winn, who looked mortified at what he had done._

_He didn't move, he simply stared at her, trying to figure out what the repercussions would be. The ironic thing was, he probably did more damage than he ever could've imagined._

_“I forgot you don't…” he shook his head, his eyes full of trepidation. “It always feels like you know – knew? – know.”_

_Her eyebrows rose and fell, her lips pursed with sourness. “Now I do, right?”_

_Suddenly, the alien bar didn't feel so homey. That bar was introduced by Kara. She should've known she was Supergirl by the mere fact that their go-to place was an alien bar. In the span of a second, with one mindless comment, her entire world seemed to be fake and misled._

_“She wanted to tell you.”_

_Lena wanted to tell him how many opportunities there were for that, but she held that argument in. This wasn't his fight. It was Kara's._

_“Well, I hope she will soon, then,” she forced a smile. “I'm – uh – I have last minute work to attend to.”_

_She had nothing more to say to say to him. She had no reason to sit here when she couldn't think straight._

_“She’ll explain everything,” Winn promised._

_And ever since then, the conversation from an hour ago, Lena had been thinking over every explanation there could possibly be, but only one came to mind._

_She was Lena_ Luthor _._

_She heard a knock on the door and wanted to scream at them to go away – and by them she meant Kara, because no one else would be there at eleven p.m.._

_Instead of screaming at her to go away, she stayed silent. She didn't trust herself to scream, because it would probably harsher than ‘go away’. And she would regret being harsh._

_The door creaked open, then it clicked shut. Not a word was spoken. Lena didn't look up. Judging by the shivers going down her spine, Kara didn't look away._

_Her voice was frail. It was hard to comprehend that Supergirl could have such a frail voice. “Lena…”_

_“I'm working,” she gave a tired sigh._

_She was hardly tired – she wouldn’t have been able to sleep if she tried – but she was too angry to be civil._

_For the first time, Kara was outwardly fearful. Lena didn't have to look at her. Even her peripheral vision saw it. Her ears heard the fear with every timid step that was taken._

_A few seconds later, Kara was in back of her, spinning the chair around. Lena spun it right back towards the desk._

_“I don't want to talk about this.”_

_“About Supergirl?”_

_“About you.”_

_The air was sucked out of the room as they sat in silence._

_Lena tried to hold herself together. She tried not to focus on how much she wanted to taste Kara, while simultaneously being unsure if she ever could again without feeling angry and Luthorish._

_Because she was a Luthor, after all._

_“Lena, please, just turn around,” Kara begged._

_She closed her eyes, trying to calm down and, more importantly, trying not to cry. Because suddenly it seemed like the only good thing that had ever happened to her wasn't so good after all, and she needed that to be good._

_“Lena. Please.”_

_She took one shaky breath, then spun the chair around._

_Kara bent down, kneeling on the floor as she tried to meet Lena's eyes. Lena, on the other hand, would do anything not to let that happen._

_“Look at me.”_

_“Kara–”_

_“Lena, look at me,” she pleaded with more authority to her voice._

_She felt tears of anger and hurt and betrayal and emptiness stream down her cheeks, but she met Kara's eyes nonetheless.”What?”_

_“I love you,” she promised. “I know you probably aren't happy, but I love you. I do. I love you so much.”_

_Lena ran her tongue across the bottom of her teeth, because she wasn't feeling too loved right now. “Yet everyone knew, except me.”_

_She felt Kara move forward, standing and extending her hand. “Let’s go to the couch.”_

_“The couch won't fix it.”_

_“But it might make this a little less awful for us,” she fought. “C’mon.”_

_Lena hated that her logic made sense. She stared at the extended hand and gave a small nod. She placed hers on top of Kara's, but she couldn't manage to wrap her fingers around it enough for them to be considered intertwined._

_When they sat on the couch, Kara tried to pull Lena into her arms, but she was pushed away._

_“Look at me,” Kara ordered for a third time._

_Lena looked up again, but this time the hurt and emptiness were gone as the betrayal and anger took over. She was so fucking stupid, so wooed by Kara Danvers, so raw and honest when it was never returned._

_“I know you're mad–”_

_“Livid.”_

_Kara licked her lips with nervousness. She wasn't playful as her tongue ran across them, she wasn't teasing, or waiting for a kiss. There was nothing light about their situation. A hook up wouldn't solve it. A heart to heart wouldn't solve it. And as much as Lena hated it, a proclamation and reminder of the feelings they shared probably wouldn't solve it._

_“I wanted to tell you,” she instantly promised with a desperation Lena had never heard in her voice. “I wanted to tell you every day since I met you. At first I couldn't without other people getting upset with me, then so much time passed that I couldn't without you getting upset with me.”_

_She gave a bitter smile, keeping her answer short and her disbelief well heard. “Right.”_

_“I did,” she swore. “Lena, I would have told you.”_

_Their eyes met. One was regretful while one was sorrowful._

_“Yeah? When?” Lena's voice displayed her pain too openly for her liking, but she couldn't help it. “We've known each other almost three years. We've been… whatever we are for four months. When were you going to tell me?”_

_Their eyes parted._

_“You're Supergirl,” she said aloud for the first time, only to be greeted with a suddenly quiet Kara. “And you didn't tell me. But Winn knew. And apparently James knew. And Sam knew.”_

_“Sam knew from Alex,” she insisted. “I wouldn't have told her, when I hadn't told you.”_

_Lena took a deep breath, trying not to show how much she was hurting. So far, she was failing. The hurt was bleeding out of her._

_“I didn't know how to tell you.”_

_“Bullshit,” she spat out, finally losing her well-polished temper. “That's fucking bullshit and you know it. You had to open your mouth and say it. It was as simple as that, but you didn't.”_

_There was nothing false in that statement._

_“We are–” Lena cut herself off from giving them a title._

_What were they? It felt like they were more than friends. It felt like they were dating, it felt like Kara meant it when she said “I love you”, it felt like that was how they were always supposed to be. Lena didn't remember a time when they were just friends. A part of her had always been a little in love with Kara. Before tonight, she had thought that was mutual._

_“I love you,” Kara repeated her promise. “Lena, I am so, completely, incredibly in love with you.”_

_“Are you, though?” she asked through slitted eyes. “Because it feels like you've been hiding this from me when you shared it with everyone else in your life – with all the people you claim you love me more than.”_

_“I_ do _love you more than them,” she insisted what sounded like a lie all of the sudden._

_Because here they were._

_Lena shook her head, trying to find another explanation for Kara hiding the truth. There was still only one. That same one, running on repeat through her mind, driving her crazy._

_“Why didn't you tell me?” she challenged._

_Kara looked to her with tender eyes. She grabbed her hands again, but Lena pulled them away. She didn't need comfort. She needed an answer._

_“Why didn't I know?”_

_Kara was silent._

_“Say it,” she pressed. “_ Say it _, Kara.”_

_She turned to her with confusion, as if she was unsure of what Lena was getting at._

_“I'm a Luthor,” she spoke the reason for them. The reason that Kara clearly couldn’t say aloud._

_“That is_ not _–”_

_“It is,” she cut her off from spewing more lies just to make her feel better about herself. “At the end of the day, I'll always be a Luthor.”_

/////

As expected, there was a knock on her office door early the next morning with a Sam Arias that was nothing but confused. She assumed that meant Kara was still trying to figure out how to tell Alex.

“Well, you were a surprise guest last night,” she tried to laugh it off.

Lena fought herself not to return to her papers, because she didn't want to talk about Kara Danvers. Not now. Maybe not ever.

“Well, I am full of surprises,” she forced a grin. “Everything okay? Did I forget to send a spreadsheet or something?”

Sam’s smile wasn't forced at all, but rather gentle. “We both know I'm not here for work matters, Lena.”

She sighed, making a point of checking her clock.

9:51.

“I have a meeting in nine minutes,” she lied through her teeth. “I need to prepare.”

“You don't have a meeting.”

“You don't know that.”

“I asked Jess.”

Of course she did. Sam always made sure she was two steps ahead when she confronted someone.

Her eyes were concerned and Lena hated that. It was just Kara. There were days when Lena visiting Kara was expected. It used to be comforting for people to hear Lena was there. She knew it wasn't the same anymore, but that concern was a brutal reminder of how much truly had changed.

“Are you okay?”

“I'm fine,” she promised without thinking about it. “I need Kara's help with something.”

“Something you can’t tell me?”

Alex would tell her regardless of whether or not Lena decided to, yet she found herself tongue-tied. In all her life, there had been one person she voluntarily spoke about her mother with. She had paid her a visit last night.

“I'm sure Alex will fill you in,” she gave a weak smile of assurance.

Sam didn't look too assured. “But you can’t?”

“I don't really talk about it,” she explained. “I never have. Not in my whole life. Except for Kara.”

She physically felt the pity radiating off of Sam as she came to sit on a chair in front of her desk. “Maybe it’s time to start opening up again.”

That got her to turn her attention back to those papers real quick. “Opening up is a waste of time. I have you.”

“Even with me you have walls,” she didn't let her get away with that claim. “Lena, it's been eight years. You can't keep shutting everyone out just because one girl hurt you.”

“I let Veronica in.”

The pity hadn't left. “That was a long time ago. And we both know that that's not quite true regardless.”

Lena stayed silent, running the end of her pen across a row of a graph she had laying on her desk.

“You keep everyone at arms length.”

She shrugged, still not looking up. “Some people are better on their own.”

“Lena–”

“I'm better on my own,” she clarified without question. “Everyone I've fully let in has proven that to me.”

“Have you really let someone in fully besides Kara, though?” she asked carefully. “Eight years is a long time.”

“She's happy with that guy, I'm happy with taking care of my company. There's nothing to discuss here,” she forcefully asserted herself. “I don't need anyone by my side. I've been fine on my own the last eight years, I'll be fine the next eight years.”

“You've been fine,” she agreed. “But, Lena, you've been so angry. And not specifically at her anymore. Not at your family. You're just angry, at everything, all the time. You can say you've been fine, but don't kid yourself into thinking you've been happy. You're hurting by doing this to yourself.”

“Happy is for fairytales,” Lena brushed the argument away. “And I'm not angry or hurting.”

“You can't see other people happy without thinking it's fake,” she called her out. “And you can't see your old life without aching.”

“That's not true.”

“Why weren't you at my wedding?”

She pursed her lips into a thin line. Checkmate. Sam won the game.

“I told you, I had a meeting for the end of the fiscal year–”

“And even as the CEO, you couldn't push it back – it was time sensitive,” Sam nodded along to the blatant lie. “I remember your excuse vividly. And I'm not angry with you over missing it, because what happened to you was traumatic–”

“It wasn't traumatic.”

She stared, but didn't push the word. “I know it's hard to face the amount of loss you've had in the past. But not everyone will leave.”

But they would.

Sam didn't get it. They would.

And now that her mother was coming back, that was only more certain.

She had spent years rebuilding and rebranding the Luthor name, and just when things settled, there her mom was, ready to taint it again. But it was fine. Lena would play along. She could take use in being a Luthor for once. She could extract the needed information once she proved her loyalty. She would still be fine.

But it was inevitable, unarguable, that the loss would continue.

And getting close to someone… she couldn't experience the loss of someone like Kara ever again. Lena had truly thought she was unbreakable, but that broke her to the point where she wasn't sure she'd ever be whole again. It had taken years to pick herself up.

Now she was once again confident she wasn't breakable. She had fixed herself and she knew nothing could break her – ever. Or, she _had_ known that. She _had_ been confident. Except clear blue eyes were now haunting her once again, vivid and pure. The glued together pieces were chipping. She was hoping they wouldn't chip enough to come undone.

She wanted to tell Sam everything. She wanted to proclaim to one of the only people who knew the depths of her relationship with Kara how much she didn't have it in her to feel that rollercoaster of emotions again. Especially to feel so helpless again. Because Lena Luthor was not helpless.

And wanted to be able to tell Sam about things like her mother – she wished she could. She wished she could talk about CADMUS and their inner workings, past and present. She wanted to be able to trust people not to walk away when she talked about her god awful family tree.

But history had proven she couldn't trust anyone with that – at least not anyone who was good.

Except for Kara.

Months of cooling down had let her see that Kara had never doubted her loyalty due to being a Luthor. She should have apologized for even thinking she would. Lena knew that she could've – _should've_ just apologized. And, as hard as it was to accept, she realized that she would probably have Kara right now if she would've.

Truth be told, she didn't know what an apology was. Not then, not now. She had never had to do one of those, because there was never anyone she cared about enough to want to. When she did want to – when she desperately wanted to – she didn't know where to start. More importantly, she didn't know how to suck up her pride to do it. She didn't make big mistakes like that.

“I appreciate the advice,” Lena left her response to Sam curt and brief. “I need to get back to work though. I'll see you Saturday.”

Sam stared with both worry and doubt, so Lena looked up with sincerity, nodding with all the reassurance she could muster. “I'll be there. I want to see Ruby while she's home for break. And I want to see Gemma as well.”

She still stared, but after a second she gave in and answered the question Lena had been afraid to ask. “It’ll be me, you, Alex and the girls. She's coming Friday night.”

Lena let out a breath she hadn't been aware she was holding, turning back to her papers and feeling the slightest bit less nervous. “I'll be there.”

She heard Sam’s footsteps trail towards the door, then stop before opening it. “I'm here for you. I hope you know that. If you ever do decide you want to open up.”

“I know.” She kept the tears out of her eyes until Sam was gone. “See you Saturday.”

/////

_She had seen Kara get angry plenty of times in her life – she had seen Supergirl destroy villains right in front of her due to being so angry – but never had she looked so enraged. Lena was pretty sure Kara would've been less shocked if Lena had backhanded her._

_“I_ know _you didn't just say that.”_

_Lena didn't lose her glare. Kara gained one of her own._

_“Lena, you didn't just say that to me,” she got more worked up as she continued to think it over. “That's not the case at all –_ at all _! You couldn't have just said that.”_

_She looked down. It felt a hell of a lot like the case._

_“You honestly believe that?”_

_She once again didn't answer, which was more than an answer._

_“I am the only one who’s believed in you since the day you moved to National City, and you have the audacity to declare that I didn't tell you because of your last name?”_

_“You've told me secrets that are so much bigger than this,” Lena stood up for herself. “This is minuscule compared to some of the stuff you've shared with me. There's no reason you wouldn't tell me other than the obvious fact that this secret involves a Super. And I'm a Luthor.”_

_“You are manipulating reality,” Kara's voice shook. “You are – I – you're manipulating reality right now.”_

_Lena somehow sat up even straighter on their white couch. “Am I?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“How so?”_

_Silence._

_“Where is the lie?”_

_Lena didn't know what she wanted the outcome of this meeting to be, but she knew that she never wanted to feel that way ever again._

_“I'm sorry you feel it was due to you being a Luthor, but that's not the case. It's not the case at all,” Kara spoke so earnestly that she almost believed it. “This was due to me not knowing if our friendship would last at first, then pushing everyone other than you away with the Mon-El thing. Then I practically forced your mother out of the country. Every time I got ready to tell you, something else came up that prevented it. But I swear, you know who I am better than anyone.”_

_“I guess we’re seeing things pretty differently, then,” her voice was low and sounded identical to the tone she used when she had last spoke with her mother. “It sort of feels like I never knew you at all right now, Kara.”_

_Her breath hitched at the words, but not in the way it usually did. This time there was pain. Only pain. This was not a moment of love, but rather heartbreak. For both of them, she presumed._

_“You say you're in love with me,” she reminded her of their situation. “We've been sneaking around for who knows how long, doing everything from going on dates to fucking each other in the bathroom of that stupid bar. You say I mean more to you than anyone. That you trust me more than anyone,” Lena relayed the facts and commonly used phrases to her. “If all of that’s true, why was I the only one in the dark?”_

_“This was my secret to tell.”_

_“I'm aware, because you told everyone but me.”_

_Kara's eyes fell, then teared up to match hers. “Lena…”_

_There was nothing to reply with. At least not anything civil._

_“This is not – I repeat,_ not _– due to you being a Luthor. I promise you that.”_

_At that point, the claim was in one ear, not the other._

_It had to be. If it wasn't due to being a Luthor, it was due to simply not being important enough to Kara to know the truth. She didn't really know which was worse._

_She looked up at her, trying to make her eyes stone instead of weak. “You should get going. It's pretty late.”_

_Kara shook her head, her voice defiant. “I'm not leaving you alone in this office all night.”_

_“Yes, you are,” she corrected with a defiance of her own. “Go home, Kara.”_

_“You heard me.”_

_“And you heard me,” she echoed. “I'm not strong enough to see you without saying things I'll regret.”_

_Kara stared at her, analyzing every last aspect, then took a deep breath. “You promise you're okay?”_

_She met her eyes this time, feeling as far from okay as ever. She nodded nonetheless. “I'm okay.”_

_Not even a syllable of that sounded persuasive, so she said it a second time for Kara's sake._

_“I am. I'm okay.”_

_She thought Kara was going to sleep in that office with her for a second, but then she stood up. “I'll be back tomorrow.”_

_“Don't bother.”_

_“I'll bother,” she replied in a heartbeat. “I'll always bother.”_

_When Lena moved to National City, she didn't think she was able to feel more lost than she was. More unsure of what the future held than she was. She was the sister of an assassin and CEO of a company she wasn't so sure she could ever rebuild. Her life could've been over. She wasn't sure if she could redeem herself or the company that she was now in charge of._

_Sitting in that oversized office, she felt so lost that she worried she might never be found again._

_Lena didn't say anything more to her. She returned to her desk and let Kara stare at her from across the room. Eventually, the staring must have bored her, because she let out a heavy sigh and turned around towards the door._

_“I'll see you tomorrow, then. I love you.”_

_Her silence wasn't broken until the door shut behind her. Once that door was shut, the sound of crying and held in sobs filled the room._

_She had never hurt like that before._

_Despite her shitty family, she had never come close to hurting like that before._

_How could someone go from being on top of the world to being under it so quickly?_

_Because she was definitely, without a doubt, now under it._

/////

Eight years later, she was in that same spot again. Maybe not under the world, but certainly closer to the ground that she had been in quite some time.

She had realized a long time ago that a part of her would always be a little in love with Kara Danvers.

That was why she refused to make the mistake of falling in love twice. Because love hurt more than anything else. Being shot with a thousand bullets would still hurt less than love. Hell, all love had ever really done was created a gaping hole that still bled out every now and then.

And now, Lena didn't have time to hurt. She had better things to do than nurse wounds that other people would inevitably give her if she were to let anyone else in. She didn't want to do that again. She'd rather cope with loneliness than heartbreak.

Beside. She had a company to run. She had a terrorist to take down. She had more important things to do that frolick around with the idea of love.

Part of being a Luthor meant not wasting time on petty things like falling in love.

And she could fight it all she wanted, but at the end of the day, no matter how much she wished she wasn't, she would always be a Luthor.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I think this will eventually be a full story + it’ll only be this and discovering the moon being written as far as full length stories I’m writing goes, but who knows. I hope you liked it regardless and sorry if there are a ton of typos!


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